“So now, it’s just up to you,” he says, stripping off his elastic gloves and looking between the husband and I. “I’m available that Tuesday through Friday … if you would like me to do it.”
Not ready to choose, there’s a pause as I anxiously emit a soft sigh and stare down at the sterile, linoleum floor, willing my sentimental self to feel something for one of those days.
“I guess we just have to pick one, don’t we?” husband says, casting a shrug over in my direction.
“Yeah… I mean, I don’t have anything specific in mind. I won’t have work that week so really any day is fine…”
My words trail off, following my downward line of sight at the floor again.
Husband takes the lead boldly. “Ok. Wednesday. The 21st. Let’s do then.”
Still holding his gloves, he brightens and slaps them against his white coat in a flourish of finality. “Good deal! I’ll go check the schedule and just get it written up!”
The British accent trails behind the doctor as he leaves the room, and after several moments, I look over at my Marine. “It feels so weird to have just picked our son’s birthday, ya know?”
Before he can answer, the accent seeps through the door.
“Uhm I’m afraid that day is already booked full. I’m going to schedule it on the 22nd, instead. OK?”
“…oh, uhm yeah, OK. …sure!” I reply back. Then turning to husband, “Well then. 2-2-2,” I say with a tentative grin. “That’s easy to remember, right?”
I feel like some of the most momentous events in life happen when you are unable to plan for every detail of it.
Falling in love. That new job opportunity. That loss of a job. Having a baby.
The list could go on. And sure, you can “plan” for each of these things, make checklists and even think you’re ready and prepared for each one when that time comes.
But then you meet that one person you never thought you could get along with, and you’re blindsided.
A friend of a friend just calls you up one day and says they got you an interview, can you come in today?
You get called into your boss’ office and listen as he grimly tells you there just isn’t enough room in the budget anymore.
It’s five days before the due date, and that water breaks.
When are you ever really prepared for your world to change?
Well. I’ve been ready for the exact day–well, maybe the week–since November 21, 2017. The day we discovered our firstborn would be a boy. And the day I was nervously ushered into a meeting room following the routine ultrasound, and told my pregnancy was high risk.
Without going into a long explanation of my sudden need for constant monitoring–mainly because I have yet to master the definition of this rare diagnosis–I will simply point you to this non-graphic explanation of vasa previa. (I screened it, I promise. No scary, high-school-Health-class pictures.)
If you don’t want to read about it, I’ll just give you the bottom line: I absolutely cannot at any point whatsoever go into labor, lest our sweet little man is given a very high chance of being stillborn.
So. Let it first be said that all praises go to Jesus for technology and the wisdom of doctors to interpret the signs of vasa previa at only 20 weeks of pregnancy.
Second, I am delivering our sweet boy by C-section, six weeks early. Aka: 2.22.18. Aka: tomorrow.
Suddenly, at only 20 weeks along and with my belly just starting to feel a few flutters, I was given the opportunity to start planning for our first child, down to the very week of when he would arrive.
I mean, this is the lottery for a Type A mother-to-be! Or perhaps any type of mother who is human. There’s no having to wonder, was that my water breaking? Is he going to be 3 weeks late? Oh no, he’s coming right now and we don’t have everything ready.
And yet I sit here, on the eve of my son’s literal birth-day, and I’m more conflicted than ever throughout this pregnancy. It’s the most momentous event of my 26-year-old life thus far: bringing a new life into this world. And I’m simply just waiting for it. Waiting for our world to change.
I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something more. Preparing for this moment better. Reading a parenting book, practicing how to swaddle him in a blanket or doing relays with the stroller around the neighborhood to check its sturdiness.
But I’m not. Instead, I’m on the couch typing away my anxieties, and watching as my ever-caring husband labors in the kitchen–hehe see what I did there–making my favorite meal for dinner.
So all this to say, I think I’ve officially decided that I’m on board with God’s decision in not giving us His omniscience. Knowing things before they happen doesn’t change what is coming. It just allows you the chance to worry or attempt to plan for all contingencies ahead of schedule. Which in turn, makes you lose sight of the joys of the present-day. It robs you from living in the moment.
And that’s how life is enjoyed best. Like I once read on a witty water bottle: “As in life, chill for best results.”
Life is not to be planned for days, weeks, months or years in advance.
It’s just going to happen. And you just have to wait for it.